I found a book that is followable. I am looking to form my own support group.. Anyone interested. It will envolve reading a book and commenting on what you learned and supporting others...
Big question. Can I use this community for that?
Well by reading the title you must know I am disappointed. A few months ago I had talked about possible being on a much muisc show about how music helped your life.
Well I never heard anything back since my phone interview in June then I seen adds on Tv about the show.So me being curios and all I emailed the girl and I got an email back saying she changed departments and isnt doing the show anymore.She says she passed on my info to the new producers.So I am guessing I got lostin the suffle.I guess I didnt get it.
I am disappointed as hell.
"it made you who you are today and made you a more understanding person"
I have to say that what she said was absolutely spot on.
Thats kind of how I live my life and it helps me sometimes to move on from the rough patches. Sometimes I look back and say why me, was I such a bad person that I deserved to have these things done to me. It still does get to me sometimes as I think it does everyone but without those things happening I wouldn't be me. I wouldn't have a better understanding of such things and perhaps I wouldn't be able to express these things to others so they get a better understanding of it themselves. I've wondered what type of person I would have been had I had a more stable up bringing. I probably would have been stronger or more confident but in reality that person never existed. We are these people because this is who we are supposed to be and one way or another it has to have been for a reason. If these things hadn't happened we wouldn't be here helping each other the way that we are. If these things hadn't happened perhaps we wouldn't be a better writer or photographer or artist. Perhaps we wouldn't be a better mother or father for that matter. I've kind of always had this notion that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that gets a little confusing say when a loved one dies suddenly or at a young age. But then there is the bad things that happen in life that actually give a new undertanding or walk us down a new path in life. Your probably thinking aren't you being a little optmistic but hey this doesn't happen to often for me so just roll with it. All I'm trying to say is that we are who we are and shouldn't feel hopeless and alone because of something nasty and horrible that someone else has done to us. Let those people wallow in their self hatred because they are the bad people in this world not us. I just want to live my life with its ups and downs but still forever forward. I dont want them to bring me down and I want what is best for me and my family. I hope that it is ok that I'm writing this, infact I hope that somewhere this has made someones day that little bit easier or perhaps a little brighter. To all of us out there just keep fighting!
I started seeing self-harm therapists when I was sixteen, when my dad was still being voilent. When something happened with him, the next day at school I would go and see the school nurse or see my therapist and they would sit there and tell me: "that is abuse". And it helped me to hear that. I admitted, finally, to myself that what my dad was doing to me was abuse. That it wasn't right. And as much as it hurt me to give it that name and think to myself "I've been abused", giving it a name helped. Giving me one word to smooth over and describe some of the most major events in my life helped.
But when I got to University I started meeting people who had been treated similar to me and sometimes worse. And I started feeling childish clinging to the word "abuse". I started to feel childish being effected in the way I have been. But it's not like I can change how I feel and how I cope.
(I'll copy and paste this because I want to show what Madda said)
[01:25] [Roulette] I've had therapists tell me a million and one times what my dad was doing was abuse
[01:25] [Madda] Yeah, that really helps to hear.
[01:25] * Madda smiles
[01:25] [Madda] Did you point out that them telling you that kicking them in the shin was assault wouldn't make their shin feel better?
[01:25] [Roulette] and for, like, the whole of the time I was seeing them, he was doing this stuff, especially at the start
[01:26] [Roulette] and until recently I would have said "my dad abused me"
[01:27] [Madda] Sounds like you had rather a useless bunch?
[01:27] [Roulette] well, it did help to hear it
[01:27] * Madda nods
[01:27] [Roulette] it did help for them to say it
[01:27] [Roulette] because I was in denial until I started getting help from them
[01:27] [Roulette] I didn't want to believe it was happening
[01:28] [Roulette] but recently I've started to doubt it
[01:28] [Madda] To doubt what?
[01:28] [Roulette] that it was abuse
[01:28] [Madda] What else would it qualify as?
[01:28] [Roulette] that it wasn't just me being a pain in the ass and him being a bit hot tempered
[01:29] [Madda] There's a bit hot tempered...
[01:29] [Madda] ...and there's beating the shit out of your daughter.
[01:29] [Madda] A bit hot tempered doesn't involve belts.
[01:29] [Madda] Belts require some measure of thought still there.
[01:29] * Roulette shrugs
[01:30] * Madda hugs
[01:30] [Roulette] it wasn't like I was beat up every night, either
[01:30] * Madda prods
[01:30] [Roulette] it wasn't regular
[01:30] [Madda] It doesn't matter.
[01:30] [Roulette] it was when he was stressed and lost his temper at me.
[01:30] [Madda] You don't beat your children up.
[01:30] [Madda] It wasn't your fault.
[01:31] * Madda sighs and hugs you
[01:31] [Roulette] I don't know
[01:31] [Madda] You should.
[01:31] [Madda] There was one person responsible for it.
[01:31] [Madda] And that person wasn't you.
To be honest, I haven't thought of any of that stuff for a while now. I haven't talked about what happened or prodded my memories for a while. While that says I'm recovering, it doesn't feel right. I feel like I need to turn over the memories for a while and give the skeletons a quick shake to get the dust off them every now and then. I need to remember what happened to me and reflect on it.
It sounds weird because I have the ability now to forget and not think about it and it's not like it's something that's particularly pleasant to remember. In a way it feels like I'm denying myself recovery by even thinking of it, denying myself a normal life which isn't controlled by what he did.
But at the same time it feels like something so major that forgetting about it would be wrong. Just shoving it in the corner and trying to get on with things as if it never happened would be denying that it had happened, and it effected me (it still effects me, it will always effect me in one way or annother), and it made me the person I am today (which, while I'm not perfect, I wouldn't want to be anyone else).
one of my peices is brown like my mothers coffee, there is a belt sewn to it with red thread, the red thread that haunts me for some unknown reason, the red thread that is a part of everything, and i have never known why.
on the belt i have scrathed in a cross. at the bottom lefrt corner are my mothers words, "you are just a child", the words that meant "you are nothing, you mean nothing to me."
another peice is green, my favorite color of green, and there is a bird cut out of a map that details Tampa, Florida, the city where i was born. small and quiet, in the upper right corner, in ink, it says " she dragged me by my hair, she locked me out. she loved me" in the bottom left corner, it says "she will never know. she will never know, But You Will.
another peice is red and brown. faded over a cream color. in the upper right corner there is a simple house scratched into the paint. a square with a triangle on top. two square windows and a rectangle for the door. on the door, i scratched into the paint, a large and angry cross. in the lower lefthand corner, it says "Children should be seen and not heard."
something that puzzles me when people see my art and ask me if i was abused as a child, is that when i say "yes", sometimes they say "i kind of had a feeling you had been."
how do they know? i think i am strong, that i hide it well until it comes out in my art. but i am wrong. my abuse shows itself, manifests itself in ways i am not even aware of. and this scares me. what can i ever do to make it stop?