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28 June 2006 @ 09:49 am
Whats been happening  
Internet is finally up again, a few days without my computer and I'm climbing the walls (sad I know). I finally bit up the courage to see my doctor yesterday. I haven't been handling things well lately and was just hoping it was a down spot. Unfortunately for me and the family that hasn't been the case and I went to the doctors to discuss going back on antidepressants. He was really fantastic about it and I was in there talking for half an hour. I had kind of snapped the night before over something so stupid and just lost the plot at Dean and in the end I didn't even know what I was doing it for. That was the final straw for me so Dean and I both agreed that I would go to the doctors the next day. I've just been feeling so stressed out lately with all this pressure we are under with money. Dean is getting better but for some reason I am going down hill. He said to me he thinks that it is because I have had to shut everything off for the last year while he gets better and that now he is improving I'm letting out everything that has been pent up inside me. To me it just feels like a burst at the seams, I've tried so hard to hold onto everything and I just cant hold it all any longer. I guess its lucky that Dean is improving or else we would be in real trouble. I had just been feeling like I wasn't worth much, like if I was gone it wouldn't matter. I know that sounds completely stupid but I really couldn't shake the feeling. No matter what I did I kept coming back to the same feelings and was having down days almost all the time instead of my every now and then. Because I hadn't seen this doctor about any of that stuff before I had to tell him about when and why I was seeing my counselor and about the Post traumatic stress disorder. He then was asking me all about that which was extremely hard to do because I hate talking about the abuse on such a personal level. Telling someone about your inner most thoughts isn't actually an easily thing and makes you extremely vulnerable. When I'm under high amounts of stress I start having horrific nightmares about torture and blood. I've been like this ever since I can remember and through research found that it was common with child abuse survivors. To a child pain is associated with hurt and hurt is a associated with blood hence the gory nightmares. Anyhow I have been having horrible nightmares again as well as flashback about the abuse in the daytime which also happens to me under stress. With all of this going on as well as money problems, Dean and I fighting alot and just genuinely not having any time to myself I have been going out of my mind.
So now I'm back on tablets but these ones are different. I think they are the new and improved one of my old ones. I talked to the doctor about how I felt like a failure that I couldn't just live life without them. He was really understanding about how I felt and we just talked some more about it. My counselor explained to me when I first went on tablets a few years back that there was a possibility that I might have to be on them for the rest of my life. That was something pretty hard to deal with at the time but I thought I would be ok. After talking to the doctor though yesterday he pretty much explained to me that because of my history with depression and the PTSD I will pretty much have to remain on my tablet for good now. Not quiet sure how I feel about that, I'm disappointed about it but if its going to help make me better then I think it is the right thing to do. Anyway I've been talking about this for ages, I really just wanted to give an update on whats been happening. I hope these tablets work ok for me. I have to take half a tablet for four days and then a full one after that. I'm just hoping that I don't have to much side effects from them. Only time will tell hey, wish me luck

Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: just the telly and Deakyn talking to himself
otterphoenixotterphoenix on June 28th, 2006 08:44 pm (UTC)
I hope the tablets help hon.You've been through a lot.I wish you lots of luck.Keep talking when you can hon *hugs* Hang in there
golly_goth on June 28th, 2006 11:44 pm (UTC)
Good luck, hun ^.^ Good for you, being so brave!
overtheviewovertheview on June 30th, 2006 12:59 am (UTC)
Thanks guys that means a lot to me. I've started the tablets now and so far so good, hardly any feeling sick. Heres hoping the days only get better, thanks for everything.