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01 August 2006 @ 12:38 pm
I was talking to a friend of mine last night, Madda, who I only really know online but he's awesome. I find it so easy to talk to him. Last night when was talking to him some stuff I've been feeling for a while but not voicing came out and I just wanted to share it and get some oppinions.

I started seeing self-harm therapists when I was sixteen, when my dad was still being voilent. When something happened with him, the next day at school I would go and see the school nurse or see my therapist and they would sit there and tell me: "that is abuse". And it helped me to hear that. I admitted, finally, to myself that what my dad was doing to me was abuse. That it wasn't right. And as much as it hurt me to give it that name and think to myself "I've been abused", giving it a name helped. Giving me one word to smooth over and describe some of the most major events in my life helped.

But when I got to University I started meeting people who had been treated similar to me and sometimes worse. And I started feeling childish clinging to the word "abuse". I started to feel childish being effected in the way I have been. But it's not like I can change how I feel and how I cope.

(I'll copy and paste this because I want to show what Madda said)

[01:25] [Roulette] I've had therapists tell me a million and one times what my dad was doing was abuse
[01:25] [Madda] Yeah, that really helps to hear.
[01:25] * Madda smiles
[01:25] [Madda] Did you point out that them telling you that kicking them in the shin was assault wouldn't make their shin feel better?
[01:25] [Roulette] and for, like, the whole of the time I was seeing them, he was doing this stuff, especially at the start
[01:26] [Roulette] and until recently I would have said "my dad abused me"
[01:27] [Madda] Sounds like you had rather a useless bunch?
[01:27] [Roulette] well, it did help to hear it
[01:27] * Madda nods
[01:27] [Roulette] it did help for them to say it
[01:27] [Roulette] because I was in denial until I started getting help from them
[01:27] [Roulette] I didn't want to believe it was happening
[01:28] [Roulette] but recently I've started to doubt it
[01:28] [Madda] To doubt what?
[01:28] [Roulette] that it was abuse
[01:28] [Madda] What else would it qualify as?
[01:28] [Roulette] that it wasn't just me being a pain in the ass and him being a bit hot tempered
[01:29] [Madda] There's a bit hot tempered...
[01:29] [Madda] ...and there's beating the shit out of your daughter.
[01:29] [Madda] A bit hot tempered doesn't involve belts.
[01:29] [Madda] Belts require some measure of thought still there.
[01:29] * Roulette shrugs
[01:30] * Madda hugs
[01:30] [Roulette] it wasn't like I was beat up every night, either
[01:30] * Madda prods
[01:30] [Roulette] it wasn't regular
[01:30] [Madda] It doesn't matter.
[01:30] [Roulette] it was when he was stressed and lost his temper at me.
[01:30] [Madda] You don't beat your children up.
[01:30] [Madda] It wasn't your fault.
[01:31] * Madda sighs and hugs you
[01:31] [Roulette] I don't know
[01:31] [Madda] You should.
[01:31] [Madda] There was one person responsible for it.
[01:31] [Madda] And that person wasn't you.

To be honest, I haven't thought of any of that stuff for a while now. I haven't talked about what happened or prodded my memories for a while. While that says I'm recovering, it doesn't feel right. I feel like I need to turn over the memories for a while and give the skeletons a quick shake to get the dust off them every now and then. I need to remember what happened to me and reflect on it.

It sounds weird because I have the ability now to forget and not think about it and it's not like it's something that's particularly pleasant to remember. In a way it feels like I'm denying myself recovery by even thinking of it, denying myself a normal life which isn't controlled by what he did.

But at the same time it feels like something so major that forgetting about it would be wrong. Just shoving it in the corner and trying to get on with things as if it never happened would be denying that it had happened, and it effected me (it still effects me, it will always effect me in one way or annother), and it made me the person I am today (which, while I'm not perfect, I wouldn't want to be anyone else).
Current Location: Pitbladdo
Current Music: Dresden Dolls - Half Jack
otterphoenixotterphoenix on August 1st, 2006 11:59 am (UTC)
Sometimes reflection does help hon.Yup it's hard to come to terms with abuse but you were.It doesn't matter the dergree abuse is abuse.Talking about it does help and can desensitise to you it a bit so it isn't something you have to keep shoving into a corner.You'll never forget what hapened but that doesn't mean you can't get on with your life.Yup it made you who you are today and made you a more understanding person.You survied:) *hugs* Thinking of you
golly_goth on August 1st, 2006 12:07 pm (UTC)
Thanks hun :) I guess I'm just looking for people to tell me that so I can reassure myself I'm allowing myself to get better.

If that makes sense?
otterphoenixotterphoenix on August 1st, 2006 10:06 pm (UTC)
Yup thats makes sense hon:)It happened and you can get through it and you can make a difference to other folk too should you choose to.But you first for a while hon:) You'll get there.*hugs* Hang in there eh:) Thinking of you