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17 January 2007 @ 01:38 am
 
At this moment memories run around my head like a song that can not make it out of your head
It like late at night I feel close to how I actually feel
where I lose all inhabintions and just let my thoughs in
I feel lost like the kid who is lost at the mall and nobody seems to care
My thoughs take over my whole head and they take shape
My past makes me who I am
Its hard 2 accept things that happened
Like the test mark you feel that is to low
Its hard to realize that the abuse I had in my past makes me who I am today
Thats why I do not like myself most of the time
This is because I dont want to be the person I am because someone did to me things that are hard to put into words
When I talk about it It feels like a movie that never really happened to me I just dreamed about it
My past consumes my thoughs late at night
Nights like this when it feels that the sun will never come up
When distance and time do not exist anymore
My dreams are my only excape most of the time
When I awake from a good dream I am hit with this realiztion that they are not even real
Sometimes I wish My dreams are true
They help deal with my mindless days and everyday drama
I feel so alove in my dreams
My past is never in them
Its liek it doesnt exist at all
Then I awake and they are reality again
I realize people dont believe in god sometimes
I can understand why
After suffering through everything in my 17 years of human life I know how people can lose faith
Heres my theory some people dont belive in god because something unimaginable happened to them and they believe that if god was reall and if he cared he wouldnt let bad stuff happen to you
But My theory is God doesnt control Human will If Another Human hurt them in a unexplianable way then how can there be a god
After What Peter did to me for the five years of abuse
I though that myself
I Hated God
and even the idea of him
But Then I realized that god has no control of human will and peter chose to hurt me the way he did
He hurt me bad
There were days when A bus would go by and I wished it had run me over
Days like that were Many
I felt lost just like the kid in the mall thats seems to look forever for their parents
I am that kid now
I dont know where My future lies anymore
I live my life for moments that never seem to come 
The phone call that never comes
I remember when I was at the Airport In halifax waiting for my flight to Toronto at 6am
It felt like hours lasted years
I felt everything hit me at once
When I finally told my brother in march about what peter was doing to me
It never set in that it was part of who I am now till that moment waiting for a flight at 4am to toronto
It was at that moment that it hit me
funny isnt it that after months it was that moment
It was in september that it finally hit me
At an Airport all alone at 4am
werid though to be having so far along and so far away from home
I felt sad more sad then I ever felt in all my seventeen years of life
It hurt so I took my bags and went outside
I sat down on a bench and cryed 
I lighted up a smoke
I smoked though my tears and I just though so alone
I felt like I would never be happy again
I finished my smoke and lighted up another one
I turned of my mp3 player and lisened to the cars and the planes
The sounds of people talking 
the sounds of everything around me
The lost thoughts that I hadnt thought about all the five years of the abuse
I jsut sat and smoked for what seemed like hours
I got up and went back into the lobby 
with tear stained cheers
I watched people hugging people who were going to the gates to go through securtiy
I never in my life left the pain I felt at that airport miles away from home all alone
I checked my bags and went through security
I found my gate and waited
I felt like I was waiting for the closure I may never have
I got on my plane and made small talk to the man seated next to me on the plane
When we landed in toronto it was early
The airport was filled with people traveling to far off places
I wondered to myself where could they be going and what will happen to them once they got there
I bough a pop and found my connecting flight to calgary
Eventually my plane arrived
I got on a quicky got lost in my thoughs about what Calgary was going to be like
When I got off my plane and went to find my baggage a single suitcase among all the others
I found it and slowly realized my sister was no where to be seen
I went outside and had another smoke
I though I should call my sister to tell her we landed early
I didnt
I chose not to for whatever reason I still do not know why I didnt call
I waited and waited
She eventually got there along with her future husband a man I hardly knew but loved anyway
I was there for them their wedding day that they somehow thought I should be a bridesmaid in
Me and my sister had never spent more then 2 weeks togeather my entire life
She lived with us when I was a baby and she told me stories about how I use to be
but I dont remeber any of these thoughs
I wish I did because when she knew me as a baby I was unhurt
I was pure
like the white wedding dress my sister was wearing even though she had been married two times already and had a child
I knew I would never be that kid again
I though about the stories and tryed to remeber the times she talked about
I knew I couldnt remeber but I wanted to
I wanted to remeber the times when I was pure and unhurt
sometimes I still try to remeber I knowit wont happen
The depts of the human soul are a scary and complex place
I wish sometimes I could wipe the slate clean and start out again just like when I was a small infant
Pure and unhurt
I will never be that again
Only in my dreams
The dreams that slowly fade as I open my eyes and realize that another day is upon me
The dreams that never end
The love I always wanted to feel are in my dreams
Life is a never ending journey to a future thats always unknown
now here I am seventeen years old with a chip on my shoulder and a cloud above my head
Thats what the tattoos I have are for
The faith on my right shoulder so I never lose it again like I did when I was younger and peter was toturing me
and love on my left shoulder so even if I feel unloved I jsut need to know love exists somewhere and that its beatiful
I know I may never be able to accept my past 
I know now I can live with it
here I am seventeen and lost
I cant imagine being any other way

Jillian
 
 
 
Inner Growth Outer Shrinkageigosm on January 30th, 2007 12:35 am (UTC)
Cool Post...
It's nice to see you working on this stuff at 17 in grade 12. I wish you the best in your recovery. There is a lot to it and I wish you the best. most of us wait until we are older and suffer longer. I totally respect you starting Right now!!!