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28 June 2006 @ 02:43 am
So…another fucking fiasco

Tonight, June 27th, or 28th(in the am) it is 2:25AM right now…

Earlier in the evening, asshole asked me to download aim and yahoo messenger on his computer…without a hassle, I just sucked it up and went and did it with no attitude or anything. He never said thank you or anything…like usual.

3-4 hours later, at 2:15am, he comes in my room and gets in my face saying how “how come I cant log in to the new programs and it automatically signs on when I turn my computer on” “what are you trying to pull, you cant get anything by on me”…basically accusing me of setting it like that, as some sort of plot or scheme against him…when in reality, it is the fucking default setting of the programs , which are up to the user to select.

I got really upset because of his accusations…I told him he is totally wrong for trying to think im doing something sneaky against him, and that I have a lot better things to do than to try to make plots against him. He is so fucking insecure and anything I do he turns into something negative or me trying to fuck with him somehow…although I cant stand the motherfucker, I DO have better things to do than play like him, a child.

I said he needs to wake up and realize hes not who he thinks he is and that everyone isn’t out to get him and although we have problems, I have better things to do than to try to fuck around with him.

All of our life, and since my mom has been married to him, my mom reffered to him as Tom. All of a sudden, he got a new job selling wine, and he has transformed his identity yet again. Now he is Toe-mas, the elegant, rich(drives some fancy bmw, wears fancy suits), Italian wine intellectual. He gets mad when people refer to him as Tom anymore, like my mom…I cant believe he is serious, but he is literally so mentally engulfed in his new façade that he is serious…The other day in the grocery store, he saw someone he knew, and my mom came up and said “Tom, …..blahblahblah whatever”…later on, he told my mother how he was so embarrassed that she called him Tom in front of that person, and they got into a big argument about it…what an ass…seriously.

He then goes off on me saying how he’ll always come out on top and he’ll always win, and even when hes 80 , he’ll still have more witt than I ever will. He then looks around my room, points to my hobbies laying around(camera,bike helmet, tires, etc) and starts talking about all the “materialistic bullshit” I have. And I swiftly respond talking about his façade and his fancy car and suits, which is not who he REALLY is…he is not intellectual, he actually didn’t even get a high school diploma, he is not rich(he just spent all our money on his car and suits) and we are broke, he also thinks hes gods gift to women…which he is not, he is a fat, bald, hairy old man who disgusts me.

I cant believe how he thinks he is so powerful, and the almighty ruler, and how no one will come out on top except for him and he’ll always win and all of that. Is there some sort of mental condition to explain this? If you read my past post(S) you will see that he clearly has something wrong with him up there.

I just cant believe how he made it like I was trying to do harm against him by the aim or yahoo messenger automatically logging in…it’s the default setting! What the hell am I supposed to do about it…and I just think…this would all be different, if he wasn’t always trying to make me out to look like some fuckup idiot, he’d of just came in and said, Nick, the computer is automatically logging in, could you help me figure out how to make it so it doesn’t do that?

If he would have approached it that way, I would have had no problems….what do you folks think?

Sorry to rant, but everytime something happens I like to type it up for records and just to get it out of my head.
 
 
26 June 2006 @ 11:41 pm
Hey  
Hi. I'm Samm. I'm having a pretty rough time right now. I'm struggling with eds and self-harm and trying to move and leave my friends. I pretty much realized I have to go through high school without my best friends today. I don't want to have to deal with it. I have to switch to a totally different dance school, and I'm scared. The new school doesn't get many new kids so I'm kinda alone. The two states are so different and I really don't want to go. I can't believe I have to go and all these thoughts are going through my head.
What if I'm too fat?
What if I'm not pretty enough?
What if I'm not good enough?
What if I'm not smart enough?
what if I'm funny enough?
I can't relax and haven't slept in days. Thanks for letting me vent.
 
 
20 June 2006 @ 08:35 am
Been having alot of trouble handling stuff lately. I've been trying so hard to put the bad things aside and to just try and have good days but I'm telling you its been a real struggle. Almost everyday I feel down about our situation. Our money is still completely fucked and we are always having to borrow money. I'm fighting with Dean (my partner) all the time and at the moment it just feels like we are more friends living together than actual partners. I'm having problems with Deakyn (my 4yr old) and even Allyra (who's just turned one) that I normally have no problems with I'm finding myself struggling with. Everyday I feel like crying because everything seems hopeless at the moment. We've had such a bad run for so long now I'm just wondering if we are ever going to come out of it. Deans the one that is going to be staying home with the kids while I go out and work now and I still cant seem to get over it. It just feels like everything I've ever had that made me happy is gone now and I just cant handle it. I'm just so tired of worrying about everything and of wearing this painted smile that has really rotted me away inside. I feel totally broken and beaten. Yesterday I had to hand in a resume for some job and I just knelly completely lost it. I really am just so over everything. I'm so tired all the time and feel like it really wouldn't matter that much if I wasn't here. It hurts so much to even say that but it really is the way I feel. I'm just so exhausted. I want a break from everything but I cant even have five minutes to think. I dont know what to do anymore, I'm just so tired.
 
 
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: Deakyn watching postman pat.
 
 
10 June 2006 @ 10:31 pm
If anyone would be caring enough to read my thoughts, and maybe give me some advice on how I can change this somehow, that would be amazing because this is really not looking good.

Thank you.

-Nick
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

11:30 at night 6/9/06

Asshole comes home and immediately storms into my room yelling. He must be either drunk, or on drugs, because he is acting a lot differently, although he normally screams and verbally abuses and harasses me, something is different about tonight. His rage is completely out of hand.

He starts with me about calling him, says to never call his cell phone again. Then he goes off on how I should go live with my little redhead bitch in Gibsboro. Something is odd about him tonight and it is fully apparent. He goes off saying something about my cell phone bill? How I have to pay it from now on? The thing is…I do pay it! He has no clue what goes on in this house, and my mother handles everything, he just tries to start shit and be an asshole without knowing the facts. Its quite amusing and sad how I am the only one he takes out his anger and rage on. I can count the amount of days in a row, right when he comes home, he slams open my bedroom door and starts trying to start something with me. I cant believe he is a human. He is so fucked up in the head and deserves nothing that he has. He always does things for Vince and is always nice to him and doesn’t attack him and start fights with him. Through the last 6 or so years of my life, I am clearly his scapegoat for anger. Through me watching his cycles, I see that he uses me as a target to take out his rage, anger, frustration, and madness. I consider myself a really good person. I try to do good things for others, I take care of my friends, I care for animals and humans alike, I always have karma on my mind preventing me from doing anything I wouldn’t want done to me, and I generally feel I am a strong, positive person. Despite all the negative in my life, constantly, although I may be angry, I try to be happy as much as possible. I just don’t understand how someone like me, who is so good to the world, gets the shitty end of the stick and gets treated like a criminal.

I know kids my age, who do drugs, drink alcohol, party, and commit crimes, and their parents treat them better than I am treated. I DO NOT smoke, do drugs, drink, or anything of that nature, but yet I am treated like one of these teenagers who would DESERVE to be treated for their wrong doings.

The most negative thing I can think of, and the only thing I can put my belief in karma aside for, is wishing my “father” would just die. He was diagnosed with liver disease and hepatitis C and the doctors clearly told him to stop drinking, etc. Know what he did? He started drinking more! And got worse with the way he treats people. Staying out at clubs and bars till 5 in the morning, sometimes never coming home. My mother would find lipstick stains on his shirt collars and other signs of unfaithfulness.

You would think, knowing he wasn’t in good shape, he’d take care of himself and try to become a better person so he wouldn’t die with people hating him. Well, I guess not. He sabotaged himself, and me. It often feels like he is always trying to ruin whatever I have good in my life. My hobbies, my girlfriend, my friends,etc.

He also has a problem of being a HUGE phony. He thinks he is someone he Is not. He covers himself up with his fancy car and suits, not to mention his new name “Tomas” pronounced Toe-moss. He also covers his real self up by going to church with my mother. He tries to look like a “Christian” which if it was a valid thing to want to portray, he’d be far from it. That’s why I think religion is bullshit. It is just a coverup for the nature of humans. Humans are animals and most all of our actions are part of our animal behavior. “Christians” go to church to try to dehumanize themselves to be a perfect “Christian” according to what the church teaches you on how to be that perfect person. He thinks he is some elegant, intellectual person, although he doesn’t even have a high school diploma. I find it ridiculous how he often brings up my schoolwork. He has no clue as to anything that has to do with me or my brother’s education, and has no right to speak a word about it because he isn’t too bright himself. He is a druggie. He is a lying son of a bitch that lies about his marijuana smoking habits.

Tonight, I heard him say to my mom how he wishes he’d just beat me. He also has on more than one occasion pushed me around and held his fist in my face. He also once did that and threatened to beat my ass…followed by my brother calling the cops on him.

When the cops came, he acted like a totally different person…there’s that phony side again. He proceeded to convince the cops that it was just us being rebellious teenagers and overreacting. This pissed me off because it showed how shady he is. That is the first step into corruption in authority. Cops don’t take into consideration that the adult may be the one with the problem. They believe him, and his bullshit, and then never come back to check on my, and hear my side. He tries to keep his bullshit inside this house, and I wont hesitate to spread it with the world. After the cops left, he threatened my brother, saying if he ever called the cops again, he’d kick him out of the house. Also whenever we argue, sometimes he goes and threatens Vince, telling him not to get involved “OR ELSE YOULL PAY THE PRICE”. This is so that I have no witness, and he can once again prove to authority that I am just a rebellious teenager, using his phony, second personality.

He also makes up things, and accuses me of lying, just to start arguments with me. The day of my senior portrait, my mom told me to be ready by 4:15…I washed my bike, came in and at 3:45 he comes home and starts getting in my face saying how my mother told me to get ready by 3:45, and how I’m not showered or dressed yet. I told him, no, she told me to be ready by 4:15, and his classic line comes out of his mouth…”Bullshit!”….”you little fucking liar, you little bitch, you’re a liar, do you know who your saying this to you little fucker!”…then he tries to prove something to me….

I walk away and stand on the steps while he tries to make a point by calling my mom at work to try to prove me wrong….”MEL, WHEN DID YOU TELL THIS LITTLE MOTHERFUCKER TO BE READY BY?!…”

“FOUR FIFTEEN, WHY?”

…….I smile, and walk up the steps…I always find him making shit up like that, just to start something, and then he is proven wrong, it has happened a few times recently.

Through my mom’s foot being broken , I have had to pickup a lot of the chores around here that I usually wasn’t assigned. I basically had to start doing everything my mom used to do… but my parents don’t respect that…My dad still swears I don’t do anything, and swears that I don’t do enough.

If anything, I’d think through all this work I’mdoing helping out, would come some peace, and respect for what I’m doing…but no, I do what I am asked, right when I am asked to do it, but later on, I don’t get anything back out of it. I still get a hassle with everything, I still get verbally abused and harassed. I don’t know how much longer I can take this shit because It is really getting out of hand. I feel so abused and its really sad when I step back and think about how I’m treated. I wonder how someone could have the heart to be so cruel to someone else.
 
 
01 June 2006 @ 11:08 am
So yeah I have more news about the Much Music show. I am so excited I hope I get this. I would be so happy.

Hi Jillian, thanks so much for emailing back! I would like to conduct a phone interview with you... When would you be available for that? My schedule is quite flexible. Let me know, thanks very much!

Shelley

SHELLEY WHITE
LINE PRODUCER - MUCHMUSIC

I am going insane I really really hope I get this. If I do I hope you all watch me
Jillian
 
 
Current Mood: excitedexcited
 
 
 
31 May 2006 @ 01:13 pm
So yeah I but that saying that Aidans story made up on my site
"Wiket-when wicked isn't enough" on my site heres the link to it feel free to look at it

www.jillianholmez16.piczo.com

Thanks guys for being so nice and stuff it really makes me feel better
 
 
31 May 2006 @ 07:54 am
One of the communities I'm with is called fucked up news. It basically has crazy news stories from around the world. Some is a bit gross but most of it is funny which is why I joined it in the first place. The reason I'm writing about it is because there was a story on it that totally disturbed me which I'm warning you maybe triggering Read more...Collapse )
 
 
Current Mood: crushedruined
Current Music: pink-im not dead
 
 
28 May 2006 @ 07:39 pm
So yes I got the best news that I ahd in a while. About a month ago I wrote into much music about a show they were doing. It was about how did music help you and inspire you and how it was as part of your life. I explained about my abuse and how music helps mellow me out and help me. So 4 days ago I got this email.

Hi Jillian,

I'm a producer at MuchMusic and saw your email regarding our new documentary series. We are considering your story for the show and I would like to discuss the possibility with you further. Please email me back if you are still interested. I'd like to know a bit more about about your story, plus I can tell you a bit more about the show. I look forward to hearing from you!

Thanks very much!

Now isn't that wiket. I know its not a sure thing but that is a wiket thing. Now I can share my story with people and maybe If they went throught the same thing as me then they can feel better about it.I hope This works out that would be wiket.
Jillian
 
 
Current Location: happy town
Current Mood: excitedexcited
 
 
23 May 2006 @ 10:22 am
Yeah nothing changed latly with the cops. I am going back in therpy soon I think. I hated before I felt werid being told how I feel. My old therpist was some guy named Allen who hit on my mom. We bacially talked about her. And how Peter's verball abuse hurt me and Albert physical abuse hurt me but how it was so hard for my mom as well. I hated that I was so depressed and that My therpists wanted to focus on my mom. I was so depressed and sad and it hurt.
On a good note my anxiety attcks aren't coming as much . I use 2 take like 2 a day but now its only a few a week. That makes me happy.I hate those attacks. It always leads to me crying and have 2 leave school or me crying myself to sleep or notgoing 2 school. I think I am improving now a bit.:) I hope so I am still gonna see a therpist tho.
Jillian
 
 
Current Mood: mischievousmischievous
 
 
21 May 2006 @ 12:55 am
Does anyone else ever get tired of doing this (surviving and trying to recover) on their own?

Explaination-nessCollapse )

Comments plz x.x I just want someone to understand what I mean...